Center for Advanced Sarcasm

Jokes are only funny if true...

2011-02-27T23:45:00.001-05:00

A unionized public employee, a tea partier, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table sits a plate of a dozen cookies. The CEO reaches across, takes 11 cookies, looks at the tea partier, and says, "Look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie"

Music Review: Appitite for Destruction by Guns N' Roses

2011-02-17T00:28:00.011-05:00

(Note: I thought it might be interesting to re-listen to classic albums and review them in the context of how well they hold up today. First in a series.)

I first purchased Appetite for Destruction on cassette back in 1988; I remember a classmate of mine showing me the cover art and I thought it looked cool and then a day or so later I caught the video for "Welcome to the Jungle" and I was blown away. Got my mom to drive me to the record store so I could buy the tape the next day and was so enthralled by it that I played it in my Sunday School class as an example of something I found to be awesome. (Yeah, I'm not sure how that came to happen).

It wasn't too much later that GNR blew up big time and everybody loved them, etc. etc.

So how does the album hold up 20 years later?

My first impression is that the overall production values are pretty low...the album in general sounds flat and I'm sure that's for good reason: it was recorded on a shoestring budget, nobody at the time realizing how big the band would get.

Appitite kicks off with the autobiographical "Welcome to the Jungle", which is undeniably one of the great album-openers in history but has lost a lot of its punch over the years due to being played in every football stadium in America for the past decade. (Funny note: Axl claimed that when he got off the bus for the first time in Los Angeles an old black guy told him, "You're in the Jungle, baby...you're gonna die! ) "It's So Easy" introduces us to Deep Voice Axl (at the time I wondered at first if another member of the band was singing) where he complains, in a very rock-n-roll kind of way getting laid has lost some of its fun due to the lack of challenge. "Night Train" is next, a nice track about not only getting drunk on cheap wine but knowing that you'll regret it later, while "Out Ta Get Me" is a decent rocker about being paranoid which probably was an accurate picture of how Axl was feeling at the time. "Mr. Brownstone" is a clever look at heroin addiction which features some of the best lyrics on the record ("I used to do a little but a little wasn't doing so the little go more and more...", etc)

Side one ends with the album's second masterpiece, the sprawling "Paradise City" which features an extended outro jam that lets Slash go crazy with a masterful extended solo. The video for "Paradise" turned out to be perhaps the best "concert montage" style video of the metal area, with the band playing in front of massive outdoor crowds while Axl dances around like a madman (probably because he was a madman). I kind of miss the days when albums had sides because there really was an art to picking the best song to end the first side, which "Paradise" does perfectly.

The second half of Appetite kicks off with "My Michelle", a forgettable song about one of the countless lost young people hanging out in Los Angeles and moves on to "Think About You", a listenable tune that illustrates how even the filler on this album is not altogether bad.

"Sweet Child of Mine" is next, the third classic single to come from Appetite and perhaps the best power balled of the 80's. Slash steals the show here, from the song's trademark intro to the two beautiful solos and finally the amazing coda. A perfect song, really, and one that has not grown stale with repeated listenings (most recently Fergie's lame rendition at the Super Bowl).

"You're Crazy" and "Anything Goes" are fairly indistinguishable (G'NR later did a more interesting aucoustic version of the former) and while neither are terrible I get the feeling that either could have been left off the album. Appetite finshes up with "Rocket Queen, a bittersweet tune about a girl the band knew and features both the sounds of Axl having sex with drummer Steve Adler's girlfriend and a tender final verse that Rose described as "a hope and friendship note at the end of the song".

Appetite for Destruction on the whole holds up pretty well, despite the sub-par production the band sounds great, managing to come across as well-rehearsed but raw; the songs are well-crafted and intelligently written, funny at times and tragic at others. Most importantly, Appetite captures what it felt like to be in a band during the 80's L.A. metal era and is one of the most authentic discs in rock history as the listener never has reason to doubt that songwriters Axl Rose and Izzy Stradlin are writing strictly from experience.

Overall rating; 8 out of 10. My only complaints are that the sound quality could have been better and that the album runs a bit long and could have been tightened up by maybe dropping some combination of "My Michelle", "Out Ta Get Me", or "Anything Goes". It's a keeper, though, probably the best work to come out of the 80's hair metal scene.

Fuck Billy Ray Cyrus

2011-02-16T02:33:00.003-05:00

So Billy Ray Cyrus is blaming Satan and the "Hannah Montana" show that made his daughter famous for some family problems...he claims that before they left Tennessee for Hollywood, he had the family baptized to protect themselves from the evils of the entertainment industry...I wonder if they prayer went something like this?

"Dear Lord,

I am preparing to exploit my teenage daughter by turning her into a sex object and allowing her to be controlled by the ruthless entertainment industry in exchange for millions of dollars that we don't need. Please let this turn out well.

Your Humble Servant,

Billy Ray

Amen."

Some nerve this guy has. Billy Ray Cyrus is an insult to real fathers everywhere. Don't blame the entertainment industry for accepting what you so willingly offered them. At least when poor people pimp out their daughters it is out of desperation. Asshole.

I am bewildered by the popularity of Olive Garden...

2011-01-29T23:55:00.003-05:00

...I mean, half-assed Italian food is really easy and cheap to make. You need three ingredients: pasta, a jar of pasta sauce, and a package of frozen meatballs. The only challenging part of cooking it is boiling the pasta without having it foam up and run all over the stove. The other two items you just heat up in a saucepan. Unless you've bought really shitty sauce you're going to end up with Olive Garden quality food for a fraction of the price and you don't have to crowd in a small foyer with a bunch of rednecks waiting for table.

But yet every time I find myself at OG it's always really crowded. Weird.

Marketing, done poorly

2011-01-29T21:49:00.004-05:00

Saw this recently and I'm thinking: Hey, you're a fucking drugstore, if it's all the same to you I'd prefer we keep our relationship strictly business.

Cold, Cold, Lampin'

2011-01-29T21:36:00.001-05:00

Just a thought: is Joe Biden the Flavor Flav to Barack Obama's Chuck D?

Advice for Young Single Men

2011-01-29T19:17:00.002-05:00

Before you decide to settle down and get married, purchase and raise a female puppy.

Not because I'm trying to dissuade anybody from getting married, but it is a good way to prepare yourself by learning a little about female psychology.

I'll get in trouble if I say more than that.

Say it ain't so, Ayn!

2011-01-28T17:51:00.001-05:00

From BoingBong:

An interview with Evva Pryror, a social worker and consultant to Miss Rand's law firm of Ernst, Cane, Gitlin and Winick verified that on Miss Rand's behalf she secured Rand's Social Security and Medicare payments which Ayn received under the name of Ann O'Connor (husband Frank O'Connor).
As Pryor said, "Doctors cost a lot more money than books earn and she could be totally wiped out" without the aid of these two government programs. Ayn took the bail out even though Ayn "despised government interference and felt that people should and could live independently... She didn't feel that an individual should take help."
But alas she did and said it was wrong for everyone else to do so.

No wonder she is a hero of the "keep government out of Medicare" crowd!

A recent photo of me

2011-01-28T15:22:00.002-05:00

Here I am (center) at a college buddy's wedding last year. Note that I am following all the proper protocols for "drunk in a suit": loosened tie, unbuttoned collar, messed up hair, and "I'll take on anybody in the room" look on face...

The other two gentlemen are not male prostitutes, so don't ask...

North Star

2011-01-28T15:02:00.002-05:00

Here's a amusing interview with porn actor Peter North, where he almost sheepishly admits that he can shoot a batch of semen up to six feet in distance ("it's kind of like my claim to fame"):

Two observations:

1) When the subject of your interview is describing his longest ejaculation on record, you know your journalism career has nowhere to go but up.

2) It's hard to tell if North is kind of a dumbass (his reason for going into porn: "it's not a crime, you know") or if he is just happily bewildered at how awesome his life is.

Bonus: I was pleased to read in his Wikipedia entry that North has written a guide to picking up women titled Penetrating Insights.

Seriously, is there anyting more repugnant than the Tea Partiers?

2010-04-15T01:47:00.004-04:00

I mean, you get a bunch of fat white guys with their cell phones and cars protesting and acting like they are somehow oppressed when in fact they are among the most privileged people on the planet?

Talk to any person from a developing nation (I'm in IT so I work with a lot of Indians) and they'll describe what real oppression feels like...those dudes go through hell to get over here and work thankless jobs and then they gotta watch spoiled Americans whine about having to pay taxes and follow basic rules...

Damn I am tired of being embarrassed to be a white person. You morons are not helping.

It is nice to have an adult in the White House...

2010-04-09T23:54:00.002-04:00

...for a change. Check out this exchange between President Obama and ABC's George Stephanopoulos:

STEPHANOPOULOS:I want to get to some of those broader issues [of nuclear proliferation]. Because you're also facing criticism on that. Sarah Palin, taking aim at your decision to restrict the use of nuclear weapons. Your pledge not to strike nations, non-nuclear nations, who abide by the nonproliferation treaty. Here's what she said. She said, "It's unbelievable, no other administration would do it." And then she likened it to kids on the playground. She said you're like a kid who says, "Punch me in the face, and I'm not going to retaliate." Your response?

OBAMA: I really have no response. Because last I checked, Sarah Palin's not much of an expert on nuclear issues.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But the string of criticism has been out there among other Republicans as well. They think you're restricting use of nuclear weapons too much.

OBAMA: And what I would say to them is that if the secretary of defense and the chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff are comfortable with it, I'm probably going to take my advice from them and not from Sarah Palin.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But not concerned about her criticisms?

OBAMA: No.

Full transcript here

This is a funny picture...

2010-04-09T23:21:00.003-04:00

....of President Obama and some other important-looking guy (Prime Minster of Europe?) checking out some woman's ass.

College Hoops

2010-04-09T14:12:00.002-04:00

Three recent items:

- Clemson coach Oliver Purnell blindsides both the school and his players by leaving town to take a job at DePaul...players are notified via Twitter. Purnell made over $1,000,000 last year in his role as educator.

- Kentucky's entire starting lineup, including four freshmen, bolt for the NBA

- The NCAA, under pressure from CBS, seriously considers expanding the already bloated 64 team NCAA tourney to 96 teams, for the sole stated reason of allowing CBS to make more money. The player's cut? Ha.

I'm 36 years old and can remember at least when the NCAA pretended to be legitimate. Not only does the Emperor have no clothes, but he's practically masturbating in the middle of the street.

Dean Smith is probably rolling over in his grave, and he's not even passed away yet...

Tea Partiers

2010-04-09T14:01:00.002-04:00

Is there a bigger bunch of crybabies in the country right now? I mean, the white middle-class in America is among the most privileged group of people in the world but all they do is bitch about how unfair life is.

Sorry you gotta pay taxes, sorry there are rules you have to follow, and sorry that the majority of Americans don't agree with your antiquated views on how government should work. Hell, it's not like you didn't have your guys in office for most of the last decade. Go back to kindergarten and let the grown-ups work on cleaning up your mess.

And have a nice day.

Reboot.

2010-04-08T02:22:00.000-04:00

Time to start blogging again...